


Finding Quiet

by JackieJLH



Category: Firefly
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-20
Updated: 2010-02-20
Packaged: 2017-10-07 10:13:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/64130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JackieJLH/pseuds/JackieJLH
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In Inara's shuttle, you almost can't hear the <i>(ghosts)</i> hum of the engine.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Finding Quiet

Serenity groans and moans through the black, only-mildly-important parts falling off outside, dangling inside, still broken. The ship is broken, the family you've found here is broken, and even though you're more at peace now than you have been in years, sometimes the echoes _("Hey, small crazy person," whispered from the bridge, words left behind) (a Reaver touched this wall, fingerprints that can't be washed away) _make you feel like you'll drown.

~

In Inara's shuttle, you almost,_ almost_ can't hear the _(ghosts)_ hum of the engine. "It's all right if you hide here," she says when she finds you there, and you settle back into a chair and smile, but you're not really hiding. You're just... being.

~

Inara still finds work as a Companion. The captain still hates it. You think one day they'll finally talk. Right now Mal's _(rebuilding) (grieving) (recovering) (remembering) _too busy, too lost in the past to seek out a future, and Zoe's at his side more than Inara. Just flying. Running. Not from the Alliance, not _from_ anything. Running_ to_ a place where they'll forget, stop hurting, start feeling like heroes. You'd tell them that it's not that easy, but you can read minds—they already know.

~

They all expect you to be better now. You worry you're as normal as you'll ever get, that you'll disappoint them. The only thing that's changed is that you're not as scared anymore. The silent voices make sense now. They have _(faces) (homes) (memories)_ a place. You still ache for them, still have nightmares, but you're not quite so scared, and it makes things easier.

_It's a lie,_ you think—not everyone expects you to be better. Inara has never suggested any such thing, even inside her own mind. You think maybe she understands, if only a little. Understands that one day cannot fix a broken world, one truth cannot fix a broken girl.

~

With Zoe and Mal spending all of their time bent over maps on screens and staying up too late drinking _(whiskey) (vodka) (gin)_ mugs ostensibly filled with coffee together, finding solace in the familiar, and Kaylee and Simon disappearing into bed as often as they can, you're left with only Jayne and Inara to turn to for friendship. Jayne is nicer to you now than before, but his thoughts are so... _Jayne_, and it's hard to be around him most days. You follow Inara through the ship, sometimes on foot and sometimes just in your mind, and it occurs to you that it should bother her, but it doesn't, so you keep doing it.

~

Breathing, gasping, murmurs of pleasure and desire overhead. You let them wash over you, filling you with emotions you've never felt for yourself, feelings you long for. It's an accident when you shift your foot, and you can feel Inara's shock, suspicion, but she doesn't say a word until the man she's entertaining has left.

"River," she says, anger in her voice _(but not in her heart) (she can't lie to you, no one can)_, and you crawl out from under the bed. She stands in her robe, hair down, and she's _(beautiful)_ not ashamed that you heard her working, just annoyed that the man could have heard _you_.

"The words left here aren't angry," you tell her, and when she looks confused, you try again. "It's quiet here, and when it's not, there are so many happy voices that they drown the others out."

~

When the tiny shuttle rejoins Serenity, Simon is _(angry) (terrified)_ frantic. You slip past Inara and climb up into a space in the ceiling you often seek out, and when Simon informs Inara that you're missing, she tells him that she saw you up there before she left. You wish you could broadcast your gratitude to her in the same way her emotions roll off of her and into your mind in waves.

"It was too loud out there," you tell your brother when he asks, and you hate that he looks at you with _(disappointment) (worry) (exasperation)_ pity in his eyes.

~

Slowly, slowly, pain eases its way out of the ship, leaving only traces behind. Zoe starts smiling again, Mal makes jokes. Inara _(officially, but you've known) _isn't leaving after all. You've danced happy memories into the bridge, and Kaylee helps you play games in the cargo bay until cheer and laughter fill that space, too. You can barely hear the angry voices anymore, and even if you still hear Wash, he's friendly and he's _Wash_, and you were never scared of him anyway, just sad because he used to look at you like a little sister, loved you despite knowing you were broken.

~

No matter how much you despise Simon's pity, your nightmares drive you out of your bed and across the hall to his, but one night he's not there. You close your eyes and _(feel)_ listen, and he's with Kaylee. They're not sleeping—you'd interrupt if they were, but you won't interrupt now. You can't sleep, though, and your room is still pulsing with fear, Reavers hiding in the shadows, and before you know what you're doing, you're creeping through the ship on silent bare feet and knocking on the door of Inara's shuttle. She's not sleeping either, but she's alone, and she doesn't look surprised to see you, just concerned.

"Is everything okay, sweetie?" she asks, all kind eyes and soft voice and beauty despite _(or because of)_ the fact that she's wearing only a robe, no make-up, hair messily framing her face.

Pressing your lips to hers isn't what you planned, but the impulse feels right, and so you give in to it, closing your eyes and feeling her surprise and not-exactly-displeasure race through you. She lets you, but only for a second, and then she steps back. You keep your eyes closed, not wanting to see pity, but you don't _feel_ pity, and so finally you look at her.

"You should probably go back to bed. Simon will be worried if he wakes up to find you missing," she tells you, and it's an excuse to make you go because it's what's _(right) (proper)_ best for you and that's the sort of thing she can't help but think. You almost tell her that excuses are a sign of indecision, but stop yourself and leave instead. When you do sleep, you dream of her, not Reavers and fear.

~

"Am I still allowed to be here?" you ask the next time you go to her shuttle, and she hesitates for a second, but then smiles and lets you in.

"Why wouldn't you be?" she asks, pretending like she doesn't understand _(she does, though)_ and you play along and shrug before settling into your usual chair.

~

"Will I always be broken?" you ask her as she brushes your hair one night.

She thinks for a moment, the brush pausing in her hands. "I don't know," she answers truthfully. Her honesty is more of a comfort than Simon's reassurances.

Smooth fingers hesitate as they brush against your skin while moving your hair off of your shoulder, and you shudder with the feel of it. She asks you if you'd like some tea_ (changing the subject can be done with actions as well as words, you think)_ and goes to prepare some for herself when you decline.

~

She's still in your dreams _(every night) (you can't help it)._

"I'll never be Mal," you tell her, and she smiles and answers, "That's all right; I love you as you are."  
You sit up trembling, hopeful, and rush to her shuttle. She's asleep, and you wake her with your frantic knocking.

"River?" she asks, her eyes wide and _(panicked)_ concerned, the urgency of your visit obvious in your expression. You don't give her an explanation, just step inside and shut the door.

"Was it real?" you ask. "I saw it, and it was real inside, but now it's cold and fading and gray, and maybe it was a lie."

She doesn't understand, but takes your hand and pulls you down to sit on the bed. "Did you have a bad dream?"

You shake your head sadly. The dream was wonderful. The bad part was that you woke up.

~

"What's wrong, Albatross?" the captain asks you. He always calls you that now, and you love the nickname because it means he loves you.

"Nothing," you say, your eyes staring at the table and not at her. _(You can follow her without looking anyway, follow her as she walks through the ship and thinks of things that aren't you.)_

The captain doesn't believe you, and so you look up at him and _(lie)_ smile, and tell him, "I can wait. Patience is a virtue."

He still doesn't understand _(a good thing) (for you to win, he will lose, and you feel guilty)_, but he laughs anyway and pats the top of your head as he walks away.


End file.
